Single Moms Juggle Military, Home Demands
(May 21, 2010) |
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| WASHINGTON, May 19, 2010 – Army Spc. Sandie De Los Reyes
steps over her threshold well after dark -- balancing baby
in one hand and grocery bags in the other -- with her two
sons following close behind. |
Army Spc. Sandie De Los Reyes spends some down
time after work with her children, 10-month-old Precious,
10-year-old Gabriel and 15-year-old Leonard, in her home on Fort
Campbell, Ky. De Los Reyes, whose husband is stationed in Georgia,
is the primary caregiver for their three children. |
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She straps 10-month-old Precious into a highchair, spooning
food into her mouth while she chats with her sons, who are
perched on stools around the kitchen island. They laugh and
plow their way through dinner with De Los Reyes never taking
a seat.
The soldier next will embark on a litany of chores –-
homework, laundry, dishes and ironing, to name a few -- that
will keep her busy until well after the kids crash out for
the night.
This day, she won't ease her Army boots off until 11 p.m.,
when she finally sits down to give her husband, who is
stationed in Georgia, a quick good-night call.
Bearing the brunt of the home-life burden is customary for
De Los Reyes. A single mom until a year ago, the all-wheel
vehicle |
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mechanic has been juggling her work with her duties at home for more
than a decade. Although married now, she still shoulders the home
responsibilities while her husband is stationed elsewhere. |
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“I try to keep it together,” she said in an interview with
American Forces Press Service. “I love being part of the
Army, so it's worth it.”
The active-duty military includes nearly 73,000 single
parents, which equates to 5.3 percent of the total force,
according to Defense Department statistics from 2008. The
Army leads the way with more than 35,000 single parents,
followed by the Navy with more than 16,000, and the Air
Force with more than 15,000. The Marine Corps, the smallest
force, has about 5,000.
Single parents balance heavy military demands with an
equally demanding home life, acknowledged Barbara Thompson,
director of the Defense Department's office of family
policy, children and youth. The military's family support
system recognizes this double duty, she added.
“The question is, ‘How we can better support them in that
challenge of being in the military and a single parent?'”
she said. “We have to realize [parenting is] a tough duty,
whether single or dual military, because of their commitment
to the nation.”
While officials take note of the numbers to shape programs
and policies, they bear little relevance to servicemembers
like De Los Reyes, who are dealing with the day-to-day
challenges of busy jobs, a high deployment rate and a full
plate at home.
Busy from sunup to sundown, De Los Reyes said, her work
hours are the easiest part of her day. Her bosses at 159th
Combat Aviation Brigade's 563rd Aviation Support Battalion
at Fort Campbell, Ky., recently handed her one of the new
wreckers to operate, an honor she said was hard-earned.
She has no trouble dealing with work, she noted. It's the
home demands – doctor appointments, forgotten backpacks,
missed morning buses -- that create a challenge when they
creep into her work day.
“That, in itself, is very difficult,” she said. “I have
three kids to accommodate, and [my co-workers] sometimes
don't understand. They wonder, ‘Why are you leaving for a
parent-teacher conference?' ‘Because I don't have a wife who
can go,' I tell them. I show 110 percent at work for those
days that I have a sick child or parent-teacher conference.”
As a reminder to stay strong, she recently had a version of
the “Serenity Prayer” tattooed on her right arm, an addition
to the plethora of tattoos she's acquired over the years.
Her favorite part of her newest tattoo is “God grant me the
strength.”
“That's all I can ask for -- just the strength to keep
going,” she said.
Halfway around the world, Air Force Maj. Spring Myers, a
single mother of two, is dealing with similar single-parent
dilemmas. She's deployed to Basra, Iraq, as the officer-in-
charge of the combat stress clinic. Her 17-year-old
daughter, Autumn, is back at her home station of Andersen
Air Force Base, Guam, with Myers' mother, while her
20-year-old daughter, Summer, is in college in the states.
Myers was divorced from her husband in 2008 after a
year-long separation. He has had no contact with his
children since then, she said, leaving the major to bear the
brunt of the responsibilities. Single parenting is tough,
Myers noted, and it was particularly so when her children
were younger.
“I remember when [Autumn] was playing sports, I would have
to pick her up or take her across [the] island, and I often
made arrangements with other parents,” Myers said. “I had to
be very creative. Sometimes she'd have to wait and was the
last one to be picked up.
“My daughter would actually be frustrated that I was late a
lot of times,” she said. “It was really tough for her to
understand.”
The kids are older now, and the daily demands of parenting
have eased up a bit, she said. Still, Myers credits the
people around her for helping her through the tough times.
“I've always found a group of friends, a pseudo family, to
help me out,” she said. “Thank God I formed a village. I'd
call my friend, ‘There's a gecko in the house,' and she'd
send her husband over to kill it.”
In Iraq, her latest challenge isn't work; it's helping
Autumn apply to college. She's working on obtaining college
reference letters for her daughter in the after-hours of a
busy work day.
“You just do what you got to do,” Myers said. “I'm still a
parent from a distance.”
Autumn is torn between understanding the military's demands
and feeling sad that her mother is missing chunks of her
senior year.
“Because it was just my mom and I, life is more difficult
now that she is gone,” she said. “Fortunately, I have other
‘families' from church that help and support us.
“I know she would be here with me if she could,” she added.
Children of single parents can have a tough time dealing
with deployments, particularly since they rely so heavily on
the primary caregiver, Thompson said, making it all the more
important to bolster their support.
“They may wonder, ‘What happens to me if something happens
to Mom or Dad?'” she said.
Thompson encourages single parents to rely on military
support systems such as child and youth centers, which have
expanded support programs in recent years to accommodate the
increasing military demands for all parents – single and
military. Child development and youth centers, for instance,
have extended their hours to accommodate military work
schedules, she said. And online resources such as Tutor.com
offer free tutoring services to military children, a helping
hand to parents who may not have the time to provide
extensive homework support.
Still, “I think that the support system, especially if on a
military installation, must be made more robust,” Thompson
said.
Thompson also pointed out the importance of parent-support
networks, which can be useful for everything from
babysitting and play groups to some much-needed adult time.
“It helps to know you're not alone,” she said.
The military will maintain its focus on the needs of its
families. Whether married, single or dual-military, their
quality of life remains a priority for defense officials,
Thompson said. |
Article and photo By Elaine Wilson
American Forces Press Service
Copyright 2010 |
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